a little persepective

this past weekend I decided to do some deep cleaning. I reached up onto a shelf in our bathroom to dust and felt a baggie pushed in the corner that was behind a bottle of lotion. when I realized what it was a flood of emotions ran through me; it was the reminder I had kept hidden, the night my husband and I cut my hair. 

                                           

my nurse said it would take three maybe four treatments for my hair to start falling out. I noticed by number two. It was slow and subtle, and it hurt... not just physically but emotionally. reality began to set in that my life was about to change and that I was preparing to fight a disease that no one would ever wish on anyone. the thought of losing, had of course, crossed my mind more than once, and  if things would have taken a turn for the worse, then I'd absolutely be sitting at the feet of Jesus. but, I wasn't ready and I certainly wasn't about to give up.

with this month being well known as breast cancer awareness month, I really wanted to just share from experience... 

while there is so much awareness going  on around me, I can't help but wonder if people really know what they are bringing awareness too... especially your children, do they really know why they are wearing pink? is wearing pink and having "pink out" days really helping or has it become more of a trend and the latest fashion statement? don't get me wrong, I'm all about supporting a cause, but my question is, do you understand what a breast cancer survivor has gone through... do you know the heartache they felt when they heard the diagnosis, the depression that started to sink in when they thought they might die, the sickness, nausea, fatigue, and hair loss from the chemo, bone pain, mouth sores, burns and raw skin from radiation, surgery after surgery, and the scars that they now have as a daily reminder of what was once there. 

I'm telling you it's real. and bringing awareness shouldn't be paraded around because it's the "cool thing" to do. spread awareness by sitting down with a survivor and listening to their story... do a self breast exam. do something other than just slapping on some pink and calling it good. 

before I was a survivor I honestly hadn't thought about the pink ribbon, or helping bring awareness. of course I knew what it was, but I didn't begin to understand or know what a survivor actually went through ... it hadn't affected me in a personal way, until now. and now that it has, I have the opportunity to share, with much vulnerability, my story. 

I never wanted this to be part of my story, I actually didn't want a lot of things to be part of my story... but, we don't get to choose...  we don't get to choose what crushes us and what makes us desperate for Jesus.

but we do get to choose joy. and we get to decide how to turn our pain into something to stand on and not under. 

I don't know why God allowed me to walk through this, but what I do know is that I wouldn't be who I am today and I wouldn't be living this life, if He had prevented it. 

it was heartbreak and brokenness that drew me closer to God. it says in Psalm 34:18 that, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit"... and out of that desperation I found purpose. the purpose to serve Him, and glorify Him through it all. 

life after cancer

Having cancer was like being in love: it was all I could think about. Every brain cell was consumed with thoughts of the disease, what my next steps were regarding treatments and surgeries. Every fiber of my body bore witness to its presence. I couldn't escape the baldness, extreme pain, nausea, and the occasional crankiness I sometimes found myself spewing at my hubby. I was quietly simmering with resentment at this total takeover of my life. As treatments went on, cancer seemed to have become my identity. Then today, while reminiscing through my journey with cancer, I began to think about what it would be like if, instead of cancer, Jesus became my identity. What if my brain cells were consumed with His thoughts. What would my life look like if He made a total takeover, what impact would it make on my world and in my community if I were recognized as having been with Jesus? And so today, I certainly hope that light was shining through me today. Because surely I wouldn't be here sitting in our spare room, sipping on an iced grande americano, sharing the other side of my story; life after cancer, if it weren't for the One who healed me.
My purpose now is simple :: to know God and to make Him known. Because without Him, I am nothing. I would be a bitter, sarcastic, angry person; harboring every piece of offense that came my way if it wasn't for Jesus in my life. I am sure thankful for repentance and His unyielding forgiveness for us all.

Today I had the honor and privilege of doing a video/photo shoot for Baylor Hospital to share my story. I was overwhelmed at the thought of it several months back when I first heard from the marketing department. Not really thinking anything would come of it, I simply forgot about it. Then I received an email with a questionnaire and a scheduled time to do the shoot and I started freaking out.
When I arrived there was coffee and breakfast waiting for me,  makeup, wardrobe, and a professional shoot with some very talented, funny, people. Then we hung out and chatted. Laughed and joked and then I was up for the video... not really knowing how to prepare myself for today I didn't look over any of my past blog entries, journals, or even researched what I had gone through.  I just prayed. I prayed for peace and the words to just flow out. The room was set up like I was on set somewhere big, producing a commerical. It was intimidating. There was a makeup artist who touched my face up, placed the mic inconspicuously, which was slightly awkward, then there was me... standing there in the spot light with a lot of strangers look at me.  It was one of the best experiences I have ever had. Even though I had to go back in time to re-live some of my journey, surprisingly it wasn't all that bad.

"What brought you to Baylor Waxahachie?" The nice lady in the monitor asked... That is such a loaded question, and I wasn't sure where to start. As I began to respond I could feel the lump in my throat start to rise. Am I really getting emotional over this?! Uh, yes, yes I am.
I took a deep breath, smiled real big and said, "I felt a lump in late October, not really sure what it was I felt, I let it go and forgot about it. The thought of having breast cancer at 28 hadn't even crossed my mind at that point. A few months went by and by December I was in severe pain. (I know cancer doesn't hurt, I heard that very same statement from my doctor. It was the Holy Spirit nudging me to get checked out, I wouldn't have thought about it again if it wasn't for the pain.) I went to see my doctor about the nagging pain and lump and that's when she referred me to Baylor Waxahachie."
The nice lady smiled and nodded and kept asking more questions. And that's when I realized I was kind of a big deal. I had hit the mark. I had survived cancer and won. I had my life back. I had my health back. I was stronger.

Having cancer means you have many milestones :: date of being diagnosed, start of treatment, end of treatment, surgery... etc. One of the most memorable milestones was obviously the last day of chemo for me, April 11, 2013 - but the biggest, most exciting milestone was when the cancer officially left my body, May 13, 2013 - after having a bilateral mastectomy my breast surgeon reassured me that she had scraped every last bit of it out, clear to the bone. I was cancer free!

I just wanted to share with you my latest milestone, an update on my hair growth, my sweet baby girl, and my supportive husband, Greg. Thank you for taking the time to read and pray with me. As of now I am cancer free, done with treatments, surgeries, everything! It has been a whirlwind of a year a and half and with the support, love, and prayers from all of you, WE did it!

YES! 

after my 3rd hair trim :: trying to get it into a natural shape, it's definitely getting there!
  

spending the day with olivia :: riding her bike, playing at the park, and a doing a little chalk
art outside. 

Meet Greg ::  the most secure hunk of a man you'll ever meet and also the best
dad in the world. I am so thankful for the relationship he and Olivia share. It's priceless.  

He calms the storm.

Walking through cancer changes you. You either chose to be joyful in the unexpected or become an ugly, bitter, sour puss. Yes, a sour puss. I think my mom used to use that in reference to me when I was being "ugly." :)
I think when you're going through suffering such as cancer and dealing with constant pain, fear, nausea, mouth sores, hair loss, depression, etc...it's okay to be a "sour puss" at times.
I've had many moments of being a sour puss the last 12 months...and rightfully so. It seemed to be the worst in the mornings while getting ready for work, church, or an evening out with my girl friends. Just ask my husband. I would be in a great mood while getting Olivia breakfast and then when it was my turn to get ready and when it's almost time to leave the house I hear, "are you ready yet?" I would snap back, "no! you try getting dressed and feeling good with no hair or boobs!" I laugh about it now because it's kind of ridiculous but at the same time so true. As a woman, our hair, feeling good about ourselves, and yes, our breasts define us as women.
Getting out of the shower and looking in the mirror was a constant reminder of what I had gone through. Right after my surgery in May I hated asking for help from Greg or my Mom to get me dressed or showered. I didn't want to look at me and I didn't want anyone else either. I'm thankful that they were so patient with me during that time.

I did have a lot of fear and anxiety about having a bilateral mastectomy along with my axillary lymph nodes being removed and having the tissue expanders in for so long. I wanted it all done at the same time (the mastectomy and reconstruction) but because of my case and needing to do radiation after, we had to hold off. I didn't understand it and was really disappointed.

I know He calmed my storm. I was fearful at times but not as much as I would have been walking through this alone without Him. To lean on Him everyday through prayer, worship, and reading certain scripture.  He gave me a great amount of peace on a daily basis.
Mark 11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." I didn't quite grasp this until pretty late in my journey. When I would talk to people about my journey, I would say, "God is going to heal me" or "when God heals me..." What I should have been saying is God has already healed me, it's been paid for when He died on the cross. It is our legal right as devoted Christ followers that we receive His healing. I had a twinge of doubt hidden in me that I didn't realize. Sure, I could still see the "symptoms", but knowing He died on the cross and paid the ultimate price for our forgiveness and healing is an incredible thing to grasp! We see it all over in the Bible of Jesus healing and performing miracles, so why can't it be done today? That's the thing, it can be done! I promise you God did not give me cancer, He did not let me get cancer. When you think God lets bad things happen to you, then you have a misguided representation of Gods sovereignty. We live in a messed up world and we are human... I have DNA issues... but God is greater and I have overcome all of the medical statistics.

Well, with all that said, I can finally say the end is finally here! On December 13, 2013, exactly one year from finding out I had breast cancer, I will be having reconstruction surgery! That's right folks, THIS FRIDAY! Hallelujah! It will be about a 6-8 week recovery, at least that is what the phamplet said. :) I'll be having a D.I.E.P flap procedure. It sounds creepy but if you can stomach knowing the details of exactly how they are going to do my reconstruction surgery, look it up! Two of my different doctors highly recommended this procedure and after prayer and research I am sooooo stinkin' excited! Surgery will be at the Baylor Hospital in Plano with Dr. Potter... so please remember to say a prayer- for both of us! 

I can only give God the credit for making this past year only be one year of walking through cancer. I'm so grateful for my team of doctors who knew just what to do for me. And I'm grateful for the people who have supported us financially, I'm still in shock that over $10,000 has been donated to help pay for medical bills, bills, groceries, gas to get to some of my appointments, and so on. THANK YOU friends, family, and the people we don't even know!

I remember my friend Sarah saying to me, "soon this will all be a distant memory." And she was right, the last 12 months have gone by miserably fast and I'm elated that chemo and radiation are behind me.
I am ready to take on 2014, this is going to be my year.

Here is an updated picture on my hair growth... I love you all and hold you close to my heart.

I haven't colored my hair in any way, I promise! It started off coming in blonde, then brown and now my red is growing back! It's wavy and a lot thicker than what I originally had. 

I went to the Pink Ribbons and Hearts Cancer Survivors luncheon in October and won the Youngest Survivor Award - a fossil watch and a candle. 

forever changed

So, it's been awhile... a long while since I've last written. Mainly because I haven't been able to pull any thoughts together nor have I felt up to it. A lot has happened in the last three months and it has really pulled me down. It started with the passing of my Dad three months ago, on April 29, 2013. It wasn't quite unexpected but then again who can ever really prepare yourself for such an event as having your parent pass away. Many who know me know that our relationship wasn't a close one but it was one that I craved and wanted so badly. It doesn't matter if you're a child, teenager, or an adult it hurts deep...
Fast forward two weeks later and on May 13th I had a bilateral mastectomy, lymphnodes under my arm removed, and the start of partial reconstruction. Which means I had those uncomfortable tissue expanders put in to stretch the skin. It's all temporary until my reconstruction surgery in the fall.

The day before surgery was Mother's Day so Greg and I took advantage of my sweet Mom while she was here and went to dinner and Top Golf, (nice Mother's Day date huh? haha, I actually enjoyed it!)... that night before bed we prayed and I remember feeling joyful and at peace. Realizing I was about to have my life changed once again, I knew that joy could only come from the Lord. When I arrived at the hospital I walked in with a smile on my face ready to get this thing going. The nurses were great, cracking jokes with me, hugging me when they saw me. I even had one yell when she saw my name on the board "is my girl here, there she is" and swung back the curtain and gave me a quick hug. I had just met her the week before for my pre-op. I'm telling you, I've had the best experience at Baylor. :) My pastor, a close friend and her daughter came to pray with us and just like that I was being sedated and wheeled off to the operating room.
I remember waking up after surgery in my room thinking the cancer was gone, and that I was cancer free. I didn't say it out loud but I was rejoicing inside. I had finally waited for that moment for the cancer to be out of my body.
During that time of recovery I started to become unnoticeably bitter at God. It was at least 6 weeks of recovery and it took that long to be able to dress and shower myself, which I hated. Thoughts of "why is this happening to me, I'm only 28" began resurfacing. I felt like I was starting back at square one with the whole coping thing. After my recovery and when I reached a point to where I could drive, I drove myself to an appt and literally broke down emotionally in my car. It's amazing how your thoughts can go a million miles a minute when it's just you and the road. Reality hit once again that I had cancer. I had cancer and God brought me through it and all the crap that came with it...chemo, nausea, bone pane, hair loss, etc. I literally was screaming "why me? I don't understand this."

And then I was reminded of something my pastor said way back in October, weeks before we would find out the news..."God will often allow hurt, discomfort, and adversities in order to disconnect hope from other things and connect it to himself." I had started to be consumed with my pain and what I was experiencing that I was forgetting to turn it back to Him. I had written that down not realizing how much it would speak to me later. After re-reading that over and over I thought what an unsettling thing to have written down and now to see it come to life. Unsettling because I knew God saw this happen even before we saw it coming... so why didn't He stop it? I still can't put an exact finger on why exactly this has happened to us. But I do know the faith that my husband and I have had for the last 7-8 months has been real, it's been deep, and it has been solid. Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I was absolutely sure that God had his hand on my life, so why me? Why did I get cancer? It could be a plethora of things, but I'm not focused on the why anymore. Because of what I have just walked through, my life has been forever changed. I see people differently. The level of desperation and compassion in my life to help people and bring them to know God has dramatically increased. 

Every time I endured pain, discomfort, worry, whatever it was, I drew closer to God. I drew so close that my relationship with Him is better now than it was before December 13, 2012. This unwanted development has been used for good and it's only the beginning.

Now for the update... About two weeks after surgery I went to see my surgeon, Dr Gorman for a f/u appt. She told us the pathology report had come back and that 4 out of the 33 lymphnodes tested positive for cancer and that the right breast was positive for cancerous tissue. She said, I would have been back in within 6 months having a lympecotmy. So, we definitely made the right decision. Next steps are radiation for 6-8 weeks, reconstructive surgery and then taking hormone blocking pills for up to 10 years. The type of cancer I had was hormone receptor positive so the hormone blocking pills help temporarily block the estrogen receptors on breast cancer cells, preventing estrogen from binding to them. I asked her if she got it all and she told me she had scraped every last bit of it out, clear down to the muscle... that brought me relief and a hint of pain thinking she had scraped my muscle. I couldn't help but ask, "so, would you say I'm cancer free? I mean, can I even say that now?" I beamed from ear to ear and then realized she's probably about to tell me in medical terms that after five years  when you are in remission we will know for sure blah, blah. Well, I was wrong. She looked at me and said, "yes, that is something you can celebrate now, it's all gone." In that moment I wanted to hug her a million times and thank her for believing with me.

I didn't initially think of my cancer surgeon as a "friend." After all, she was a medical professional who was receiving payment to look after me. However, right away I came to respect and greatly appreciate her relationship with God and medical expertise. Taking back to that very first appointment when she prayed with Greg and I as we had just heard the news of my diagnoses...it was no doubt perfect timing of who we were placed with. Not to mention hearing my name called in the waiting room and looking up to find a friend that I used to work with at Starbucks. I had no idea Leslie was Dr. Gorman's nurse. Leslie went above and beyond for us...I felt immediate comfort seeing her that day. 

No matter what concerned me, I could always be assured of her listening ear, sympathetic heart and her prayers. Both Dr. Gorman and Leslie offered me more than enough support that I could ever ask of anyone in the medical field. All of my doctors and nurses have made this journey one I will never forget. And I'm so incredibly thankful. 

As of today I am fully recovered from surgery. I'm currently going through radiation for the next 6 weeks, m-f. After finishing my first week and heading into my second, I very much prefer radiation over chemo. I'm able to drive myself to my own appointments and still can do day to day activities, even so much that I can finally return to work on August 2nd! 

From May- July my hair has grown back extremely fast and I'm so thankful! I'm still holding out for those curls! 

My first day home after surgery... Olivia and I cuddling. 

...noticing more hair coming in...changed from blonde to reddish brown... 

...after my first hair trim yesterday. It's now changing to red!
(I was a bit worried it would stay brown!) 

Thank you so much for your uncondtional prayers, support and love. We have felt the love! Until next time....  

Chemo, bye bye bye...

There are few dates that I actually write down and keep in my memory bank, other than the obvious birthdays and anniversaries of family and close friends... but April 11, 2013 is a date I will forever keep as a celebration, marking in my life a sign of strength and endurance. I made it through chemo!

Below are a few pictures of my last day! 

My last check up with my oncologist, Dr. Orr. 

Meet my nurse, Sandy. From day one of chemo she was by my side, laughing and crying with me. Sandy was a godsend, she showed me true love and compassion. So thankful for her! 

My nurse taking out the needle and flushing it with saline. I was concentrating
on taking a deep breath when the needle came out.

I never felt it- she was good! 

The skittles on my lap helped take the taste away as she flushed it.
It always made me gag. :)

I was pretty sick at this point.
 I was trying to show some excitement of being finished! 

Olivia showing off her support! Some close friends from church showed up at my house the night before
my last chemo treatment - it was a surprise gift bag with two other shirts for Greg and I and a sweet frame that read, "Though she be but
 little she is fierce." 

According to the Bible, God knows how many hairs are on my head... and now so do I. My hair is sloooowly growing back and for now I can actually see every individual hair on my head.  Little baby peach fuzz, kind of cute and kind of not so cute. I sometimes stand in the mirror and just stare in hopes it will somehow grow back right before my eyes... I've been thinking that If one has to go through all of this that they should at least get the texture they want right? I'm hoping for my red and my what once was straight hair to be full of curls!

Update: 

My doctor called me with great results on my MRI - my lymph nodes on my left side have shrunk to the same size as on the right, which is excellent.  No sign of new re growth and the tumor and signs of cancer have shrunk!
I will have a bilateral mastectomy on May 13th with radiation to follow for 6-8 weeks. With radiation comes no hair-loss but extreme fatigue can set in. Please pray with me for a fast recovery from the surgery on the 13th and when I do start the radiation that I will handle it the best I can.  I also get my port taken out on the 13th, which means no more chemo!
We all go through trials and face things that seem humanly impossible to get over. My only explanation for getting through this journey is the peace of God...it that has stilled my heart the last six months and has caused me to go on and remain hopeful.   "I have told you these things, so that in me you have have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  John 16:33 NIV.

This verse helped me get through chemo... 

my milestone...

Today is a day that I thought I'd never get to... my last chemo treatment! Somebody high-five me!

Reflecting over the last five months literally blows my mind. December 13, 2012 was a day that  changed my life. It was the day my perspective of life and death danced around in my head and lingered... Hearing the type of breast cancer I had was curable and I would live brought me relief. But I would be lying if I said the thought of death hadn't crossed my mind at least once a day. 

I want to be real for a minute ... 

My relationship with Jesus has always been there... but I don't think it has ever been as deep and as real as it is right now.  I think it's safe to say we all have these moments of doubt, anger, discouragement, despair, and "are you really there, God?" I feel like these moments happen to every single one of us. I used to be afraid to show any emotion. I used to be afraid to tell God how angry I was with him. I don't know why, he already knew. The best way that I can describe this, and I know I've said this before but I want to say it again... I am thankful for this life moment, for this journey in my life... this has drastically changed me as a person... and it has forever changed my relationship with the Lord. I have believed with my heart, that God is healing me and will continue to do so... So in essence, I guess I'm thanking God for this cancer, for the chemo treatments, for the real talks that have happened between my husband and I. But, the best part is the fast healing that has taken place over my body, the financial provision and love from our co-workers, family members and complete strangers - all given to us by God.  Psalm 91:11 "He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." He has done this for me. 

A few things that God has done for us....

When we first were told about my diagnoses, of course the financial burden was already weighing us down. We prayed together and believed that God was going to carry us through. During that week we received a check that was the exact amount of what my paycheck would have been... that happened three other times. Not to mention the website my sister set up and the pouring in of financial support has been surreal. Within two treatments the tumor had shrunk 1.5 cm. My doctor said we would notice a change around the 3rd or 4th treatment.  As of today I can't tell if it's tissue or what- but it now feels almost pea size! Another huge thing that God did for us was an anonymous family paid for Olivia's daycare from January until the end of May. Not having my paycheck to cover the daycare expense I was facing reality that she would need to stay home with me and I was going to have to rely on friends to help me when I was feeling at my worst. Olivia attends an amazing child care facility (Promise Child in Waxahachie) with teachers who genuinely care about her, she can name all the tiny human friends in her class and with that we can rest in ease knowing she is well taken care of... These are just a few of the mighty things that God has done in our lives. 

My cancer is not punitive. And I don't feel this is a punishment. He watched it happen and has been watching over us through this entire journey. I now have a really cool testimony... a big testimony of God's love, provision, and healing.

Thank you for being apart of this milestone in my life ... my last day of chemo! Stay tuned for pictures... this is going to be a fantastic day!

Overwhelmed and so very thankful for my community. A huge thank you to manager, Mike Daley at Starbucks and all the partners and friends... Kristin Woodruff, Jakee Monroe, Sarah Faust, Cindy Teague, Amanda Brumit, Shayla Pittman, Whitney Pierce, Amy Robinson, Beverly Robinson, Leah Green and Kat Roberts (just to name a few) who helped make today possible... I am blown away that yall raised $1,912.00 in just a few short hours!  

These are some of the ladies that helped make today possible!! 

   

It was a chilly start to the morning! 

My Life School friends came this morning too! 

Sue with the magic cake we were all drooling over! 

Some of my Creekwood Church family who came to support!

Meet Caitlyn and Sebastian Chase.
Sebastian sold his silly bands so he could buy erasers to sell. Erasers to erase my cancer.
When he told me this it took everything within me to hold back tears. 

Another HUGE thank you to Patricha Cryer Martinez and her two girls, Alliyiah and Marissa and their grandparents who own the Splash Auto Bath here in Waxahachie. My car was beautifully detailed and I was given the most generous gift and it all started with two sweet girls who have big hearts and love to give! 

I can't quite communicate in words exactly how much gratitude and appreciation Greg and I feeling right now. Thank you, thank you! 

Thank you Splash Auto Bath! 

Needless to say today was an excellent day...