I think when you're going through suffering such as cancer and dealing with constant pain, fear, nausea, mouth sores, hair loss, depression, etc...it's okay to be a "sour puss" at times.
I've had many moments of being a sour puss the last 12 months...and rightfully so. It seemed to be the worst in the mornings while getting ready for work, church, or an evening out with my girl friends. Just ask my husband. I would be in a great mood while getting Olivia breakfast and then when it was my turn to get ready and when it's almost time to leave the house I hear, "are you ready yet?" I would snap back, "no! you try getting dressed and feeling good with no hair or boobs!" I laugh about it now because it's kind of ridiculous but at the same time so true. As a woman, our hair, feeling good about ourselves, and yes, our breasts define us as women.
Getting out of the shower and looking in the mirror was a constant reminder of what I had gone through. Right after my surgery in May I hated asking for help from Greg or my Mom to get me dressed or showered. I didn't want to look at me and I didn't want anyone else either. I'm thankful that they were so patient with me during that time.
I did have a lot of fear and anxiety about having a bilateral mastectomy along with my axillary lymph nodes being removed and having the tissue expanders in for so long. I wanted it all done at the same time (the mastectomy and reconstruction) but because of my case and needing to do radiation after, we had to hold off. I didn't understand it and was really disappointed.
I know He calmed my storm. I was fearful at times but not as much as I would have been walking through this alone without Him. To lean on Him everyday through prayer, worship, and reading certain scripture. He gave me a great amount of peace on a daily basis.
Mark 11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." I didn't quite grasp this until pretty late in my journey. When I would talk to people about my journey, I would say, "God is going to heal me" or "when God heals me..." What I should have been saying is God has already healed me, it's been paid for when He died on the cross. It is our legal right as devoted Christ followers that we receive His healing. I had a twinge of doubt hidden in me that I didn't realize. Sure, I could still see the "symptoms", but knowing He died on the cross and paid the ultimate price for our forgiveness and healing is an incredible thing to grasp! We see it all over in the Bible of Jesus healing and performing miracles, so why can't it be done today? That's the thing, it can be done! I promise you God did not give me cancer, He did not let me get cancer. When you think God lets bad things happen to you, then you have a misguided representation of Gods sovereignty. We live in a messed up world and we are human... I have DNA issues... but God is greater and I have overcome all of the medical statistics.
Well, with all that said, I can finally say the end is finally here! On December 13, 2013, exactly one year from finding out I had breast cancer, I will be having reconstruction surgery! That's right folks, THIS FRIDAY! Hallelujah! It will be about a 6-8 week recovery, at least that is what the phamplet said. :) I'll be having a D.I.E.P flap procedure. It sounds creepy but if you can stomach knowing the details of exactly how they are going to do my reconstruction surgery, look it up! Two of my different doctors highly recommended this procedure and after prayer and research I am sooooo stinkin' excited! Surgery will be at the Baylor Hospital in Plano with Dr. Potter... so please remember to say a prayer- for both of us!
I can only give God the credit for making this past year only be one year of walking through cancer. I'm so grateful for my team of doctors who knew just what to do for me. And I'm grateful for the people who have supported us financially, I'm still in shock that over $10,000 has been donated to help pay for medical bills, bills, groceries, gas to get to some of my appointments, and so on. THANK YOU friends, family, and the people we don't even know!
I remember my friend Sarah saying to me, "soon this will all be a distant memory." And she was right, the last 12 months have gone by miserably fast and I'm elated that chemo and radiation are behind me.
I am ready to take on 2014, this is going to be my year.
Here is an updated picture on my hair growth... I love you all and hold you close to my heart.
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| I haven't colored my hair in any way, I promise! It started off coming in blonde, then brown and now my red is growing back! It's wavy and a lot thicker than what I originally had. |
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I went to the Pink Ribbons and Hearts Cancer Survivors luncheon in October and won the Youngest Survivor Award - a fossil watch and a candle. |
