praising Him.

On day fifteen my hair started falling out. I noticed little strands on my pillow, strands of hair hanging from our black lab's mouth, and in the shower. A lot of it was in the shower! After washing my hair, it felt like I had cob webs entangled between my fingers. I couldn't get it off! It was frustrating and annoying. It also saddened my heart a little. I knew this moment was coming, I just didn't expect it to happen after two treatments. So, after three days of enduring a painful scalp, pulling clumps of hair off the back of my clothes, and hugging Greg and having my hair stuck in his goatee... I decided to take matters into my own hands. (The hugging Greg and having a clump of my hair hanging from his goatee was actually quite humorous for me, it's okay to laugh.)
So, back to taking matters into my own hands? I decided to give myself a hair cut. I warned Greg before he got home what my plan was. I didn't want to have a Parenthood moment... (if you watch the show you'll know what I'm talking about). I grabbed the scissors first. I just cut off a few crazy spots. After looking at the back of my head I could actually see several large bald spots. Then I grabbed the clippers. I was having a hard time buzzing my own head, I couldn't see what I was getting in the back, if I was actually getting anything. So, I finished what I could, put a hat on and called it good. Greg text me that afternoon asking if I had cut my hair, I told him about my dilemma and he said, "Okay, I'll help you." Those words were so comforting to me. I didn't want to put him through the trauma of buzzing his own wife's hair... unless he wanted to of course. It turns out anyway I had grabbed his beard clippers instead of the regular hair clippers... Sheesh, who knew there was a difference? No wonder I was having a hard time getting it all. (Again, you may laugh at that). Here is a picture of me with a hat on... not brave enough to post the bald one. :)

During the moment of cutting my own hair I turned on some worship music. I figured I needed to praise Him for my hair falling out. Sounds odd but thats what I felt. God I look to You by Bethel Music,    came on...  this song has been my anthem. It breaks me.
God I Look to You <-- click on this link and listen to it, seriously.

It says, "God I look to you, I won't be overwhelmed, give me vision to see things like you do..."
That's what I feel. I feel overwhelmed, but when I'm in His presence I feel safe and secure.

I haven't been able to attend church, since I've been feeling pretty sick... thankful for Creekwood Church that I can listen online.
My pastor, Stephen Nutt, started a new series. "Your Best Year Yet!" I chuckeled at this as I laid in bed yesterday, listening to his message. Wondering how this could possibly be my best year yet... Getting diagnosed with breast cancer and starting treatment at the start of 2013 doesn't quite scream at me 'your best year yet!'
It's funny how we as christians tend to start doing more of something to please God in hopes that He will heal us faster, get us out of financial hardships, deliver us from a form of addiction, or heal our marriages. Whatever it is, we all try to step it up a little more to please God to get what we want or need. I've done it before. In fact I thought I was doing it recently. Spending more time with God would please Him and in return He would will heal me faster, right?
I'm understanding that that isn't how it works. God laid on my heart at the beginning of this journey to trust Him. Trust Him? That's it? I thought I was already doing that!
Trusting God is more than just pleasing Him. I can sit all day reading my bible and listening to worship music, begging Him to heal me. If my heart isn't fully trusting what He is capable of doing and in His perfect timing, then what is the point? Trusting God is living out who God says that I am. When I had accepted Christ in my heart I was born again and am a new person. My heart is sincere and I am living my life to Trust God.
I am so thankful for my pastor for sharing this message in the timing that it was received. It just confirmed for me, that once again I am on the right track and what I'm hearing from God is truth.

I am praising Him everyday, even when I don't feel like it. I'm thanking Him we found out sooner than later about the cancer. I'm thanking Him for my oncologist whom I didn't like at first but am growing to respect. I am praising the Lord for whatever lessons He is going to teach me throughout this whole experience. As I'm thanking Him each day, my attitude is changing and I know I'm growing stronger in my belief that God will bring me through this time. That somehow He is going to use this unwanted development for good. He has to. He promised in his Word.

Click on the link below to listen to  Pastor Stephen's part 2 of "Your Best Year Yet!"

http://creekwoodchurch.com/media/

the first treatment...

I woke up Christmas morning full of anticipation to watch Olivia open up her presents.  As she stumbled out into the living room, she spotted her cheesy little baby doll in a tiny stroller. Her eyes got big! She ran over to it and smiled and just held on... that turned out to be her favorite toy. (Who knew!)  We prompted her to open up her other presents, she did, with one free hand. I looked to see what she was doing with the other while she sat in Greg's lap. Olivia's arm was to the side and was holding on tight to her new beloved stroller. She had a tight grip on that thing, she didn't want to let go. She was determined to hold on the entire morning, and she did.

I started chemo on January 3rd. The worst part about it was walking in the room and being told to 'pick your chair.' I looked around and only three chairs were empty. Other ladies who were sleeping, staring or giving me a faint smile sat there in a semi circle listening to some old sitcom on the television. It was extremely depressing. It was hard. I could see the sad eyes on the young nurse as I sat down. I smiled at her to let her know I was okay and that she needed to be also.
I didn't feel sick during the process, but that evening I started feeling the side effects. I have a port that was surgically put in that morning. It was placed on the right side of my chest, just below my collar bone. It's convenient in a way that I don't have to have my veins destroyed, but uncomfortable because I can feel it when I take a deep breath or turn on my right side.

Let's be real for a minute. Chemo sucks. It is not fun. The nausea, dizziness, extreme bone pain, laying down and having my scalp hurt and thinking "will my hair fall out today?" I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't thought or worried about these things numerous times. I'm human and I'm a girl. But, and there's always a but...
I'm choosing to remain positive. Choosing as best I can and understand that according to his Word, all things will work together for good because I love him (Romans 8:28). I have to believe "all things" includes cancer. If I don't accept that I would be saying my diagnosis is beyond God's congrol. And I know that it isnt. I'm holding onto that truth, as tight as Olivia was holding her stroller. I'm going to grip the Word of God and believe that what I'm going through is just part of His plan for my life.

Yesterday afternoon I called for short term disability. As I waited on the phone, listening to annoying reggae elevator music, I prayed that the voice on the other end would be sensitive and understanding. After I told the sweet hispanic lady my diagnoses I could hear sniffles. She was choked up. She said her daughter had just been through this. Her tone of voice and her words were so soft spoken and clear that I felt I knew this lady. She informed that the call could take 8 minutes and asked if I was comfortable and in a place that I could speak freely. It's moments like this that I thank the Lord for his hand in every aspect of my life. Sure, this is simple and probably doesn't mean much to you... but to me it's confirmation for my faith to keep trusting Him.

A few prayer requests:
Thursday's. I will be having chemo every two weeks on Thursday's. The following Friday I have to be in Dallas to get a shot that boosts my white blood count so I can fight off infections. Pray that I don't get car sick, nauseated, dizzy, anxious, and that I won't get any of the side effects the doctors say I might get - bone pain and flu like symptoms.
Strength. I want to be able to play with Olivia within one day of having chemo, not four.
Joy. I can't let a lousy situation like this steal my joy.
Husband. Greg needs strength. He is tired and I can see this wearing on him, especially the financial burden of only one income right now.

When I wrote this blog it was on the 6th day from my first treatment... I'm feeling good. It's now the 8th day and I still feel good. 

Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. NLT