I often compare the day before chemo to my days when I was 8 or 9 months pregnant with Olivia; nesting like a crazy lunatic. I get that same burst of energy to clean, organize and fold that agonizing mountain of laundry that keeps getting passed from basket to basket. In fact it's sitting at the end our bed as I type this.
I'm feeling a lot of emotion as I'm still sitting here on day six in pain… intense muscle pain to say the least. It's like the growing pains you used to get as kid...maybe I was the only one that got those but I can remember those being the worst. I would eat a banana thinking it would cure the pain in an instant, then I'd lay against a wall with my feet in the air (and that usually worked), then I'd ask my Dad to rub my legs...that really did the trick. But this pain doesn't seem to be going away. It's a nagging constant reminder for me that I can't seem to shake. This last treatment that I had on Thursday has been hitting me pretty hard. Olivia came in bed with me to watch some Elmo on the ipad and she posed for a picture too... She would eat a gold fish, share some with me and then pat my head. Moments like these, with her... help keep the pain to a minimal.
When I first heard the diagnoses I surely thought this would be the longest year of my life. My friends kept telling me it's going to be a distant memory and you'll get over this... I knew in my heart that I would, but physically and emotionally, way down deep, I knew this was going to be a long road.
My relationship with the Lord has helped me get through this.
I went to see my surgeon last month for a follow up appt. We sat there and bantered back and forth about life. I was getting fidgety waiting to jump up on that table for her to examine me. I knew that the tumor had shrunk by my previous appointments with my oncologist but I wanted to see her excitement and get things moving. She examined me and wasn't saying much; she was concentrating on trying to feel/find it. I heard a big, "WOW!" When I say big it's because her voice really exuberates joy and excitement. Which made me excited all over again. She hugged me and said, "God is good, Lindsey!" She was pleased that within four months the tumor was shrinking that fast, fast enough to have my last chemo treatment April 11th and surgery in May. Bam, bam, BAM! The "longest year of my life" just was shortened to 4-6 months...
Every other Tuesday I meet with my lifegroup. We have been doing the study, Chase, by
Jennie Allen. <- She will wreck you... I would advise Kleenex and work on your ugly cry before people who you don't know, know you have one. I'm not normally emotional. In fact I’m not, but if it's a Tuesday night and I'm sitting on a couch and my heartbeat picks up because it's my turn to speak, I cry.
Two weeks ago when I began to even attempt this draft we had just finished talking about courage. To have courage you must conquer some form of fear, yeah? This study has been eye opening for me. I battle fear on a daily basis. Whether it's a spider, a creepy dream of our home being broke into, a sinkhole forming in our back yard (I need to stop watching the news), me singing in front of a group of people, or God telling me to do something I really don't want to do, I fear it. Talking about courage changed my life. This week, obedience… oh, great.
After reading about Saul and David and comparing the two and their issues of obedience and behavior.... Jennie puts it pretty simple. "So if the issue is not that Saul sinned more than David, what, then is the issue?" It's a heart issue. I scribbled that in my book before I read on. David had a real relationship with God.
He valued God’s opinion, he trusted in God’s provision. David was a man after God’s own heart.
“It's a heart issue”... that phrase deeply impacted me this morning- after years of Sunday school, being a Blue Bell, Bible College and now doing a study on my own, sitting in my kitchen it hits me. God cares about my heart. He cares about my trust in Him, my hope in Him and my effort to truly know Him. He sees the deepest most invisible moments in ourselves that others can't.
My obedient heart is more important to Him than a heart that seeks the approval of others. I want to be like David. I want to live more bravely and not care about my fear.
So, if cancer is what's causing me to live more bravely and do things that I wouldn't normally do because God is simply transforming me into a courageous, obedient person than I'm so thankful I'm going through this. God is in this and I can see it in the provisions, the healing work and His abounding love over my family.
