forever changed

So, it's been awhile... a long while since I've last written. Mainly because I haven't been able to pull any thoughts together nor have I felt up to it. A lot has happened in the last three months and it has really pulled me down. It started with the passing of my Dad three months ago, on April 29, 2013. It wasn't quite unexpected but then again who can ever really prepare yourself for such an event as having your parent pass away. Many who know me know that our relationship wasn't a close one but it was one that I craved and wanted so badly. It doesn't matter if you're a child, teenager, or an adult it hurts deep...
Fast forward two weeks later and on May 13th I had a bilateral mastectomy, lymphnodes under my arm removed, and the start of partial reconstruction. Which means I had those uncomfortable tissue expanders put in to stretch the skin. It's all temporary until my reconstruction surgery in the fall.

The day before surgery was Mother's Day so Greg and I took advantage of my sweet Mom while she was here and went to dinner and Top Golf, (nice Mother's Day date huh? haha, I actually enjoyed it!)... that night before bed we prayed and I remember feeling joyful and at peace. Realizing I was about to have my life changed once again, I knew that joy could only come from the Lord. When I arrived at the hospital I walked in with a smile on my face ready to get this thing going. The nurses were great, cracking jokes with me, hugging me when they saw me. I even had one yell when she saw my name on the board "is my girl here, there she is" and swung back the curtain and gave me a quick hug. I had just met her the week before for my pre-op. I'm telling you, I've had the best experience at Baylor. :) My pastor, a close friend and her daughter came to pray with us and just like that I was being sedated and wheeled off to the operating room.
I remember waking up after surgery in my room thinking the cancer was gone, and that I was cancer free. I didn't say it out loud but I was rejoicing inside. I had finally waited for that moment for the cancer to be out of my body.
During that time of recovery I started to become unnoticeably bitter at God. It was at least 6 weeks of recovery and it took that long to be able to dress and shower myself, which I hated. Thoughts of "why is this happening to me, I'm only 28" began resurfacing. I felt like I was starting back at square one with the whole coping thing. After my recovery and when I reached a point to where I could drive, I drove myself to an appt and literally broke down emotionally in my car. It's amazing how your thoughts can go a million miles a minute when it's just you and the road. Reality hit once again that I had cancer. I had cancer and God brought me through it and all the crap that came with it...chemo, nausea, bone pane, hair loss, etc. I literally was screaming "why me? I don't understand this."

And then I was reminded of something my pastor said way back in October, weeks before we would find out the news..."God will often allow hurt, discomfort, and adversities in order to disconnect hope from other things and connect it to himself." I had started to be consumed with my pain and what I was experiencing that I was forgetting to turn it back to Him. I had written that down not realizing how much it would speak to me later. After re-reading that over and over I thought what an unsettling thing to have written down and now to see it come to life. Unsettling because I knew God saw this happen even before we saw it coming... so why didn't He stop it? I still can't put an exact finger on why exactly this has happened to us. But I do know the faith that my husband and I have had for the last 7-8 months has been real, it's been deep, and it has been solid. Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I was absolutely sure that God had his hand on my life, so why me? Why did I get cancer? It could be a plethora of things, but I'm not focused on the why anymore. Because of what I have just walked through, my life has been forever changed. I see people differently. The level of desperation and compassion in my life to help people and bring them to know God has dramatically increased. 

Every time I endured pain, discomfort, worry, whatever it was, I drew closer to God. I drew so close that my relationship with Him is better now than it was before December 13, 2012. This unwanted development has been used for good and it's only the beginning.

Now for the update... About two weeks after surgery I went to see my surgeon, Dr Gorman for a f/u appt. She told us the pathology report had come back and that 4 out of the 33 lymphnodes tested positive for cancer and that the right breast was positive for cancerous tissue. She said, I would have been back in within 6 months having a lympecotmy. So, we definitely made the right decision. Next steps are radiation for 6-8 weeks, reconstructive surgery and then taking hormone blocking pills for up to 10 years. The type of cancer I had was hormone receptor positive so the hormone blocking pills help temporarily block the estrogen receptors on breast cancer cells, preventing estrogen from binding to them. I asked her if she got it all and she told me she had scraped every last bit of it out, clear down to the muscle... that brought me relief and a hint of pain thinking she had scraped my muscle. I couldn't help but ask, "so, would you say I'm cancer free? I mean, can I even say that now?" I beamed from ear to ear and then realized she's probably about to tell me in medical terms that after five years  when you are in remission we will know for sure blah, blah. Well, I was wrong. She looked at me and said, "yes, that is something you can celebrate now, it's all gone." In that moment I wanted to hug her a million times and thank her for believing with me.

I didn't initially think of my cancer surgeon as a "friend." After all, she was a medical professional who was receiving payment to look after me. However, right away I came to respect and greatly appreciate her relationship with God and medical expertise. Taking back to that very first appointment when she prayed with Greg and I as we had just heard the news of my diagnoses...it was no doubt perfect timing of who we were placed with. Not to mention hearing my name called in the waiting room and looking up to find a friend that I used to work with at Starbucks. I had no idea Leslie was Dr. Gorman's nurse. Leslie went above and beyond for us...I felt immediate comfort seeing her that day. 

No matter what concerned me, I could always be assured of her listening ear, sympathetic heart and her prayers. Both Dr. Gorman and Leslie offered me more than enough support that I could ever ask of anyone in the medical field. All of my doctors and nurses have made this journey one I will never forget. And I'm so incredibly thankful. 

As of today I am fully recovered from surgery. I'm currently going through radiation for the next 6 weeks, m-f. After finishing my first week and heading into my second, I very much prefer radiation over chemo. I'm able to drive myself to my own appointments and still can do day to day activities, even so much that I can finally return to work on August 2nd! 

From May- July my hair has grown back extremely fast and I'm so thankful! I'm still holding out for those curls! 

My first day home after surgery... Olivia and I cuddling. 

...noticing more hair coming in...changed from blonde to reddish brown... 

...after my first hair trim yesterday. It's now changing to red!
(I was a bit worried it would stay brown!) 

Thank you so much for your uncondtional prayers, support and love. We have felt the love! Until next time....