a little persepective

this past weekend I decided to do some deep cleaning. I reached up onto a shelf in our bathroom to dust and felt a baggie pushed in the corner that was behind a bottle of lotion. when I realized what it was a flood of emotions ran through me; it was the reminder I had kept hidden, the night my husband and I cut my hair. 

                                           

my nurse said it would take three maybe four treatments for my hair to start falling out. I noticed by number two. It was slow and subtle, and it hurt... not just physically but emotionally. reality began to set in that my life was about to change and that I was preparing to fight a disease that no one would ever wish on anyone. the thought of losing, had of course, crossed my mind more than once, and  if things would have taken a turn for the worse, then I'd absolutely be sitting at the feet of Jesus. but, I wasn't ready and I certainly wasn't about to give up.

with this month being well known as breast cancer awareness month, I really wanted to just share from experience... 

while there is so much awareness going  on around me, I can't help but wonder if people really know what they are bringing awareness too... especially your children, do they really know why they are wearing pink? is wearing pink and having "pink out" days really helping or has it become more of a trend and the latest fashion statement? don't get me wrong, I'm all about supporting a cause, but my question is, do you understand what a breast cancer survivor has gone through... do you know the heartache they felt when they heard the diagnosis, the depression that started to sink in when they thought they might die, the sickness, nausea, fatigue, and hair loss from the chemo, bone pain, mouth sores, burns and raw skin from radiation, surgery after surgery, and the scars that they now have as a daily reminder of what was once there. 

I'm telling you it's real. and bringing awareness shouldn't be paraded around because it's the "cool thing" to do. spread awareness by sitting down with a survivor and listening to their story... do a self breast exam. do something other than just slapping on some pink and calling it good. 

before I was a survivor I honestly hadn't thought about the pink ribbon, or helping bring awareness. of course I knew what it was, but I didn't begin to understand or know what a survivor actually went through ... it hadn't affected me in a personal way, until now. and now that it has, I have the opportunity to share, with much vulnerability, my story. 

I never wanted this to be part of my story, I actually didn't want a lot of things to be part of my story... but, we don't get to choose...  we don't get to choose what crushes us and what makes us desperate for Jesus.

but we do get to choose joy. and we get to decide how to turn our pain into something to stand on and not under. 

I don't know why God allowed me to walk through this, but what I do know is that I wouldn't be who I am today and I wouldn't be living this life, if He had prevented it. 

it was heartbreak and brokenness that drew me closer to God. it says in Psalm 34:18 that, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit"... and out of that desperation I found purpose. the purpose to serve Him, and glorify Him through it all.