He calms the storm.

Walking through cancer changes you. You either chose to be joyful in the unexpected or become an ugly, bitter, sour puss. Yes, a sour puss. I think my mom used to use that in reference to me when I was being "ugly." :)
I think when you're going through suffering such as cancer and dealing with constant pain, fear, nausea, mouth sores, hair loss, depression, etc...it's okay to be a "sour puss" at times.
I've had many moments of being a sour puss the last 12 months...and rightfully so. It seemed to be the worst in the mornings while getting ready for work, church, or an evening out with my girl friends. Just ask my husband. I would be in a great mood while getting Olivia breakfast and then when it was my turn to get ready and when it's almost time to leave the house I hear, "are you ready yet?" I would snap back, "no! you try getting dressed and feeling good with no hair or boobs!" I laugh about it now because it's kind of ridiculous but at the same time so true. As a woman, our hair, feeling good about ourselves, and yes, our breasts define us as women.
Getting out of the shower and looking in the mirror was a constant reminder of what I had gone through. Right after my surgery in May I hated asking for help from Greg or my Mom to get me dressed or showered. I didn't want to look at me and I didn't want anyone else either. I'm thankful that they were so patient with me during that time.

I did have a lot of fear and anxiety about having a bilateral mastectomy along with my axillary lymph nodes being removed and having the tissue expanders in for so long. I wanted it all done at the same time (the mastectomy and reconstruction) but because of my case and needing to do radiation after, we had to hold off. I didn't understand it and was really disappointed.

I know He calmed my storm. I was fearful at times but not as much as I would have been walking through this alone without Him. To lean on Him everyday through prayer, worship, and reading certain scripture.  He gave me a great amount of peace on a daily basis.
Mark 11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." I didn't quite grasp this until pretty late in my journey. When I would talk to people about my journey, I would say, "God is going to heal me" or "when God heals me..." What I should have been saying is God has already healed me, it's been paid for when He died on the cross. It is our legal right as devoted Christ followers that we receive His healing. I had a twinge of doubt hidden in me that I didn't realize. Sure, I could still see the "symptoms", but knowing He died on the cross and paid the ultimate price for our forgiveness and healing is an incredible thing to grasp! We see it all over in the Bible of Jesus healing and performing miracles, so why can't it be done today? That's the thing, it can be done! I promise you God did not give me cancer, He did not let me get cancer. When you think God lets bad things happen to you, then you have a misguided representation of Gods sovereignty. We live in a messed up world and we are human... I have DNA issues... but God is greater and I have overcome all of the medical statistics.

Well, with all that said, I can finally say the end is finally here! On December 13, 2013, exactly one year from finding out I had breast cancer, I will be having reconstruction surgery! That's right folks, THIS FRIDAY! Hallelujah! It will be about a 6-8 week recovery, at least that is what the phamplet said. :) I'll be having a D.I.E.P flap procedure. It sounds creepy but if you can stomach knowing the details of exactly how they are going to do my reconstruction surgery, look it up! Two of my different doctors highly recommended this procedure and after prayer and research I am sooooo stinkin' excited! Surgery will be at the Baylor Hospital in Plano with Dr. Potter... so please remember to say a prayer- for both of us! 

I can only give God the credit for making this past year only be one year of walking through cancer. I'm so grateful for my team of doctors who knew just what to do for me. And I'm grateful for the people who have supported us financially, I'm still in shock that over $10,000 has been donated to help pay for medical bills, bills, groceries, gas to get to some of my appointments, and so on. THANK YOU friends, family, and the people we don't even know!

I remember my friend Sarah saying to me, "soon this will all be a distant memory." And she was right, the last 12 months have gone by miserably fast and I'm elated that chemo and radiation are behind me.
I am ready to take on 2014, this is going to be my year.

Here is an updated picture on my hair growth... I love you all and hold you close to my heart.

I haven't colored my hair in any way, I promise! It started off coming in blonde, then brown and now my red is growing back! It's wavy and a lot thicker than what I originally had. 

I went to the Pink Ribbons and Hearts Cancer Survivors luncheon in October and won the Youngest Survivor Award - a fossil watch and a candle. 

forever changed

So, it's been awhile... a long while since I've last written. Mainly because I haven't been able to pull any thoughts together nor have I felt up to it. A lot has happened in the last three months and it has really pulled me down. It started with the passing of my Dad three months ago, on April 29, 2013. It wasn't quite unexpected but then again who can ever really prepare yourself for such an event as having your parent pass away. Many who know me know that our relationship wasn't a close one but it was one that I craved and wanted so badly. It doesn't matter if you're a child, teenager, or an adult it hurts deep...
Fast forward two weeks later and on May 13th I had a bilateral mastectomy, lymphnodes under my arm removed, and the start of partial reconstruction. Which means I had those uncomfortable tissue expanders put in to stretch the skin. It's all temporary until my reconstruction surgery in the fall.

The day before surgery was Mother's Day so Greg and I took advantage of my sweet Mom while she was here and went to dinner and Top Golf, (nice Mother's Day date huh? haha, I actually enjoyed it!)... that night before bed we prayed and I remember feeling joyful and at peace. Realizing I was about to have my life changed once again, I knew that joy could only come from the Lord. When I arrived at the hospital I walked in with a smile on my face ready to get this thing going. The nurses were great, cracking jokes with me, hugging me when they saw me. I even had one yell when she saw my name on the board "is my girl here, there she is" and swung back the curtain and gave me a quick hug. I had just met her the week before for my pre-op. I'm telling you, I've had the best experience at Baylor. :) My pastor, a close friend and her daughter came to pray with us and just like that I was being sedated and wheeled off to the operating room.
I remember waking up after surgery in my room thinking the cancer was gone, and that I was cancer free. I didn't say it out loud but I was rejoicing inside. I had finally waited for that moment for the cancer to be out of my body.
During that time of recovery I started to become unnoticeably bitter at God. It was at least 6 weeks of recovery and it took that long to be able to dress and shower myself, which I hated. Thoughts of "why is this happening to me, I'm only 28" began resurfacing. I felt like I was starting back at square one with the whole coping thing. After my recovery and when I reached a point to where I could drive, I drove myself to an appt and literally broke down emotionally in my car. It's amazing how your thoughts can go a million miles a minute when it's just you and the road. Reality hit once again that I had cancer. I had cancer and God brought me through it and all the crap that came with it...chemo, nausea, bone pane, hair loss, etc. I literally was screaming "why me? I don't understand this."

And then I was reminded of something my pastor said way back in October, weeks before we would find out the news..."God will often allow hurt, discomfort, and adversities in order to disconnect hope from other things and connect it to himself." I had started to be consumed with my pain and what I was experiencing that I was forgetting to turn it back to Him. I had written that down not realizing how much it would speak to me later. After re-reading that over and over I thought what an unsettling thing to have written down and now to see it come to life. Unsettling because I knew God saw this happen even before we saw it coming... so why didn't He stop it? I still can't put an exact finger on why exactly this has happened to us. But I do know the faith that my husband and I have had for the last 7-8 months has been real, it's been deep, and it has been solid. Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I was absolutely sure that God had his hand on my life, so why me? Why did I get cancer? It could be a plethora of things, but I'm not focused on the why anymore. Because of what I have just walked through, my life has been forever changed. I see people differently. The level of desperation and compassion in my life to help people and bring them to know God has dramatically increased. 

Every time I endured pain, discomfort, worry, whatever it was, I drew closer to God. I drew so close that my relationship with Him is better now than it was before December 13, 2012. This unwanted development has been used for good and it's only the beginning.

Now for the update... About two weeks after surgery I went to see my surgeon, Dr Gorman for a f/u appt. She told us the pathology report had come back and that 4 out of the 33 lymphnodes tested positive for cancer and that the right breast was positive for cancerous tissue. She said, I would have been back in within 6 months having a lympecotmy. So, we definitely made the right decision. Next steps are radiation for 6-8 weeks, reconstructive surgery and then taking hormone blocking pills for up to 10 years. The type of cancer I had was hormone receptor positive so the hormone blocking pills help temporarily block the estrogen receptors on breast cancer cells, preventing estrogen from binding to them. I asked her if she got it all and she told me she had scraped every last bit of it out, clear down to the muscle... that brought me relief and a hint of pain thinking she had scraped my muscle. I couldn't help but ask, "so, would you say I'm cancer free? I mean, can I even say that now?" I beamed from ear to ear and then realized she's probably about to tell me in medical terms that after five years  when you are in remission we will know for sure blah, blah. Well, I was wrong. She looked at me and said, "yes, that is something you can celebrate now, it's all gone." In that moment I wanted to hug her a million times and thank her for believing with me.

I didn't initially think of my cancer surgeon as a "friend." After all, she was a medical professional who was receiving payment to look after me. However, right away I came to respect and greatly appreciate her relationship with God and medical expertise. Taking back to that very first appointment when she prayed with Greg and I as we had just heard the news of my diagnoses...it was no doubt perfect timing of who we were placed with. Not to mention hearing my name called in the waiting room and looking up to find a friend that I used to work with at Starbucks. I had no idea Leslie was Dr. Gorman's nurse. Leslie went above and beyond for us...I felt immediate comfort seeing her that day. 

No matter what concerned me, I could always be assured of her listening ear, sympathetic heart and her prayers. Both Dr. Gorman and Leslie offered me more than enough support that I could ever ask of anyone in the medical field. All of my doctors and nurses have made this journey one I will never forget. And I'm so incredibly thankful. 

As of today I am fully recovered from surgery. I'm currently going through radiation for the next 6 weeks, m-f. After finishing my first week and heading into my second, I very much prefer radiation over chemo. I'm able to drive myself to my own appointments and still can do day to day activities, even so much that I can finally return to work on August 2nd! 

From May- July my hair has grown back extremely fast and I'm so thankful! I'm still holding out for those curls! 

My first day home after surgery... Olivia and I cuddling. 

...noticing more hair coming in...changed from blonde to reddish brown... 

...after my first hair trim yesterday. It's now changing to red!
(I was a bit worried it would stay brown!) 

Thank you so much for your uncondtional prayers, support and love. We have felt the love! Until next time....  

Chemo, bye bye bye...

There are few dates that I actually write down and keep in my memory bank, other than the obvious birthdays and anniversaries of family and close friends... but April 11, 2013 is a date I will forever keep as a celebration, marking in my life a sign of strength and endurance. I made it through chemo!

Below are a few pictures of my last day! 

My last check up with my oncologist, Dr. Orr. 

Meet my nurse, Sandy. From day one of chemo she was by my side, laughing and crying with me. Sandy was a godsend, she showed me true love and compassion. So thankful for her! 

My nurse taking out the needle and flushing it with saline. I was concentrating
on taking a deep breath when the needle came out.

I never felt it- she was good! 

The skittles on my lap helped take the taste away as she flushed it.
It always made me gag. :)

I was pretty sick at this point.
 I was trying to show some excitement of being finished! 

Olivia showing off her support! Some close friends from church showed up at my house the night before
my last chemo treatment - it was a surprise gift bag with two other shirts for Greg and I and a sweet frame that read, "Though she be but
 little she is fierce." 

According to the Bible, God knows how many hairs are on my head... and now so do I. My hair is sloooowly growing back and for now I can actually see every individual hair on my head.  Little baby peach fuzz, kind of cute and kind of not so cute. I sometimes stand in the mirror and just stare in hopes it will somehow grow back right before my eyes... I've been thinking that If one has to go through all of this that they should at least get the texture they want right? I'm hoping for my red and my what once was straight hair to be full of curls!

Update: 

My doctor called me with great results on my MRI - my lymph nodes on my left side have shrunk to the same size as on the right, which is excellent.  No sign of new re growth and the tumor and signs of cancer have shrunk!
I will have a bilateral mastectomy on May 13th with radiation to follow for 6-8 weeks. With radiation comes no hair-loss but extreme fatigue can set in. Please pray with me for a fast recovery from the surgery on the 13th and when I do start the radiation that I will handle it the best I can.  I also get my port taken out on the 13th, which means no more chemo!
We all go through trials and face things that seem humanly impossible to get over. My only explanation for getting through this journey is the peace of God...it that has stilled my heart the last six months and has caused me to go on and remain hopeful.   "I have told you these things, so that in me you have have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  John 16:33 NIV.

This verse helped me get through chemo... 

my milestone...

Today is a day that I thought I'd never get to... my last chemo treatment! Somebody high-five me!

Reflecting over the last five months literally blows my mind. December 13, 2012 was a day that  changed my life. It was the day my perspective of life and death danced around in my head and lingered... Hearing the type of breast cancer I had was curable and I would live brought me relief. But I would be lying if I said the thought of death hadn't crossed my mind at least once a day. 

I want to be real for a minute ... 

My relationship with Jesus has always been there... but I don't think it has ever been as deep and as real as it is right now.  I think it's safe to say we all have these moments of doubt, anger, discouragement, despair, and "are you really there, God?" I feel like these moments happen to every single one of us. I used to be afraid to show any emotion. I used to be afraid to tell God how angry I was with him. I don't know why, he already knew. The best way that I can describe this, and I know I've said this before but I want to say it again... I am thankful for this life moment, for this journey in my life... this has drastically changed me as a person... and it has forever changed my relationship with the Lord. I have believed with my heart, that God is healing me and will continue to do so... So in essence, I guess I'm thanking God for this cancer, for the chemo treatments, for the real talks that have happened between my husband and I. But, the best part is the fast healing that has taken place over my body, the financial provision and love from our co-workers, family members and complete strangers - all given to us by God.  Psalm 91:11 "He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." He has done this for me. 

A few things that God has done for us....

When we first were told about my diagnoses, of course the financial burden was already weighing us down. We prayed together and believed that God was going to carry us through. During that week we received a check that was the exact amount of what my paycheck would have been... that happened three other times. Not to mention the website my sister set up and the pouring in of financial support has been surreal. Within two treatments the tumor had shrunk 1.5 cm. My doctor said we would notice a change around the 3rd or 4th treatment.  As of today I can't tell if it's tissue or what- but it now feels almost pea size! Another huge thing that God did for us was an anonymous family paid for Olivia's daycare from January until the end of May. Not having my paycheck to cover the daycare expense I was facing reality that she would need to stay home with me and I was going to have to rely on friends to help me when I was feeling at my worst. Olivia attends an amazing child care facility (Promise Child in Waxahachie) with teachers who genuinely care about her, she can name all the tiny human friends in her class and with that we can rest in ease knowing she is well taken care of... These are just a few of the mighty things that God has done in our lives. 

My cancer is not punitive. And I don't feel this is a punishment. He watched it happen and has been watching over us through this entire journey. I now have a really cool testimony... a big testimony of God's love, provision, and healing.

Thank you for being apart of this milestone in my life ... my last day of chemo! Stay tuned for pictures... this is going to be a fantastic day!

Overwhelmed and so very thankful for my community. A huge thank you to manager, Mike Daley at Starbucks and all the partners and friends... Kristin Woodruff, Jakee Monroe, Sarah Faust, Cindy Teague, Amanda Brumit, Shayla Pittman, Whitney Pierce, Amy Robinson, Beverly Robinson, Leah Green and Kat Roberts (just to name a few) who helped make today possible... I am blown away that yall raised $1,912.00 in just a few short hours!  

These are some of the ladies that helped make today possible!! 

   

It was a chilly start to the morning! 

My Life School friends came this morning too! 

Sue with the magic cake we were all drooling over! 

Some of my Creekwood Church family who came to support!

Meet Caitlyn and Sebastian Chase.
Sebastian sold his silly bands so he could buy erasers to sell. Erasers to erase my cancer.
When he told me this it took everything within me to hold back tears. 

Another HUGE thank you to Patricha Cryer Martinez and her two girls, Alliyiah and Marissa and their grandparents who own the Splash Auto Bath here in Waxahachie. My car was beautifully detailed and I was given the most generous gift and it all started with two sweet girls who have big hearts and love to give! 

I can't quite communicate in words exactly how much gratitude and appreciation Greg and I feeling right now. Thank you, thank you! 

Thank you Splash Auto Bath! 

Needless to say today was an excellent day... 

It's a heart issue...

I often compare the day before chemo to my days when I was 8 or 9 months pregnant with Olivia; nesting like a crazy lunatic. I get that same burst of energy to clean, organize and fold that agonizing mountain of laundry that keeps getting passed from basket to basket. In fact it's sitting at the end our bed as I type this. 

I'm feeling a lot of emotion as I'm still sitting here on day six in pain… intense muscle pain to say the least. It's like the growing pains you used to get as kid...maybe I was the only one that got those but I can remember those being the worst. I would eat a banana thinking it would cure the pain in an instant, then I'd lay against a wall with my feet in the air (and that usually worked), then I'd ask my Dad to rub my legs...that really did the trick. But this pain doesn't seem to be going away. It's a nagging constant reminder for me that I can't seem to shake. This last treatment that I had on Thursday has been hitting me pretty hard. Olivia came in bed with me to watch some Elmo on the ipad and she posed for a picture too... She would eat a gold fish, share some with me and then pat my head. Moments like these, with her... help keep the pain to a minimal. 

When I first heard the diagnoses I surely thought this would be the longest year of my life. My friends kept telling me it's going to be a distant memory and you'll get over this... I knew in my heart that I would, but physically and emotionally, way down deep, I knew this was going to be a long road. 

My relationship with the Lord has helped me get through this. 

I went to see my surgeon last month for a follow up appt. We sat there and bantered back and forth about life. I was getting fidgety waiting to jump up on that table for her to examine me. I knew that the tumor had shrunk by my previous appointments with my oncologist but I wanted to see her excitement and get things moving. She examined me and wasn't saying much; she was concentrating on trying to feel/find it. I heard a big, "WOW!" When I say big it's because her voice really exuberates joy and excitement. Which made me excited all over again. She hugged me and said, "God is good, Lindsey!" She was pleased that within four months the tumor was shrinking that fast, fast enough to have my last chemo treatment April 11th and surgery in May. Bam, bam, BAM! The "longest year of my life" just was shortened to 4-6 months... 

Every other Tuesday I meet with my lifegroup. We have been doing the study, Chase, by 

Jennie Allen. <- She will wreck you... I would advise Kleenex and work on your ugly cry before people who you don't know, know you have one. I'm not normally emotional. In fact I’m not, but if it's a Tuesday night and I'm sitting on a couch and my heartbeat picks up because it's my turn to speak, I cry. 

Two weeks ago when I began to even attempt this draft we had just finished talking about courage. To have courage you must conquer some form of fear, yeah? This study has been eye opening for me. I battle fear on a daily basis. Whether it's a spider, a creepy dream of our home being broke into, a sinkhole forming in our back yard (I need to stop watching the news), me singing in front of a group of people, or God telling me to do something I really don't want to do, I fear it. Talking about courage changed my life. This week, obedience… oh, great. 

After reading about Saul and David and comparing the two and their issues of obedience and behavior.... Jennie puts it pretty simple. "So if the issue is not that Saul sinned more than David, what, then is the issue?" It's a heart issue. I scribbled that in my book before I read on. David had a real relationship with God. 

He valued God’s opinion, he trusted in God’s provision. David was a man after God’s own heart. 

“It's a heart issue”... that phrase deeply impacted me this morning- after years of Sunday school, being a Blue Bell, Bible College and now doing a study on my own, sitting in my kitchen it hits me. God cares about my heart. He cares about my trust in Him, my hope in Him and my effort to truly know Him. He sees the deepest most invisible moments in ourselves that others can't. 

My obedient heart is more important to Him than a heart that seeks the approval of others. I want to be like David. I want to live more bravely and not care about my fear. 

So, if cancer is what's causing me to live more bravely and do things that I wouldn't normally do because God is simply transforming me into a courageous, obedient person than I'm so thankful I'm going through this. God is in this and I can see it in the provisions, the healing work and His abounding love over my family. 

Timing.

Before I go on I must give a huge thanks to my sweet friend, graphic designer and Seattleite, Lonnie King! She contacted me and offered to take my blog under her wing and spruce it up! It's much cooler thanks to her. :)

Well, it has been an exciting three trips of successful yet agonizing, nose burning treatments and it's safe to say that chemo still sucks just as I had said it before. However, the treatment is working as well as God healing me!

I went to church a few Sunday's ago, it felt good being back home worshiping along side of my husband. There wasn't a powerful message on healing or hope that drew me to the altar that day, [in fact the message was on Life  Groups and getting plugged in... how it changes your life to have community. Boy does it, my small group of ladies who started out as mere acquaintances are now friends that I can undoubtedly cry and laugh with].
A N Y W A Y, it was a nudge, a burning sensation in my stomach that was telling me to get prayer at the end of service.
I noticed a couple at the far end, I was glad it was them. I didn't know them personally but I knew they could pray bold prayers and believe with me for healing. After all they do lead our prayer ministry at Creekwood. I made my way down to Sarah and Jeff and tearfully asked them to pray that the tumor would shrink by the time I saw the doctor that week. I walked away feeling peaceful that God heard our prayers and was going to deliver. And He did...

On January 31, I went to experience a "fun" day of treatment with my Mom. Before hand we saw the doctor who did a basic exam and measured the tumor to see if it had shrunk any. I told him I thought it felt smaller... his eyes were wide and he nodded and said, "Yes.. I believe it has." My mom was in the corner with both hands raised (almost doing a fist pump motion) and mouthed, "YES, thank you JESUS!" I'm surprised she didn't get up and dance. He was happy to say it had shrunk a full 1.5 cm. I'll take it! With just two treatments he seemed very surprised by this. I wasn't at all, I knew that God had His hand on me that morning we prayed. 

Some are going to read this and say, it's the medicine that shrunk that tumor... and yes, the medicine is working. But thank God for the start of His divine healing and for giving my doctors and nurses the knowledge for the perfect 'cocktail' for it to work aggressively fast... but most importantly the hope I have in the Lord. He is the ultimate healer! His timing is perfectly sweet.

People have asked me how can you be so hopeful? How are you turning this bad into good? A friend had given me a new devotional, below is something that really spoke to me... Love this!
"He will shield you from suffering or He will give you His unwavering strength that you may bear it. Be at peace, then, and set aside all anxious thoughts and worries."  Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman
I have been praying almost exactly that every time I go into chemo... "God if I must go through this please take the side effects away completely or at least give me your strength that I can push through..."

I can rest in the fact that He is always with me, that's how I make it.

 "... Surely I am always with you." Matthew 28:20

praising Him.

On day fifteen my hair started falling out. I noticed little strands on my pillow, strands of hair hanging from our black lab's mouth, and in the shower. A lot of it was in the shower! After washing my hair, it felt like I had cob webs entangled between my fingers. I couldn't get it off! It was frustrating and annoying. It also saddened my heart a little. I knew this moment was coming, I just didn't expect it to happen after two treatments. So, after three days of enduring a painful scalp, pulling clumps of hair off the back of my clothes, and hugging Greg and having my hair stuck in his goatee... I decided to take matters into my own hands. (The hugging Greg and having a clump of my hair hanging from his goatee was actually quite humorous for me, it's okay to laugh.)
So, back to taking matters into my own hands? I decided to give myself a hair cut. I warned Greg before he got home what my plan was. I didn't want to have a Parenthood moment... (if you watch the show you'll know what I'm talking about). I grabbed the scissors first. I just cut off a few crazy spots. After looking at the back of my head I could actually see several large bald spots. Then I grabbed the clippers. I was having a hard time buzzing my own head, I couldn't see what I was getting in the back, if I was actually getting anything. So, I finished what I could, put a hat on and called it good. Greg text me that afternoon asking if I had cut my hair, I told him about my dilemma and he said, "Okay, I'll help you." Those words were so comforting to me. I didn't want to put him through the trauma of buzzing his own wife's hair... unless he wanted to of course. It turns out anyway I had grabbed his beard clippers instead of the regular hair clippers... Sheesh, who knew there was a difference? No wonder I was having a hard time getting it all. (Again, you may laugh at that). Here is a picture of me with a hat on... not brave enough to post the bald one. :)

During the moment of cutting my own hair I turned on some worship music. I figured I needed to praise Him for my hair falling out. Sounds odd but thats what I felt. God I look to You by Bethel Music,    came on...  this song has been my anthem. It breaks me.
God I Look to You <-- click on this link and listen to it, seriously.

It says, "God I look to you, I won't be overwhelmed, give me vision to see things like you do..."
That's what I feel. I feel overwhelmed, but when I'm in His presence I feel safe and secure.

I haven't been able to attend church, since I've been feeling pretty sick... thankful for Creekwood Church that I can listen online.
My pastor, Stephen Nutt, started a new series. "Your Best Year Yet!" I chuckeled at this as I laid in bed yesterday, listening to his message. Wondering how this could possibly be my best year yet... Getting diagnosed with breast cancer and starting treatment at the start of 2013 doesn't quite scream at me 'your best year yet!'
It's funny how we as christians tend to start doing more of something to please God in hopes that He will heal us faster, get us out of financial hardships, deliver us from a form of addiction, or heal our marriages. Whatever it is, we all try to step it up a little more to please God to get what we want or need. I've done it before. In fact I thought I was doing it recently. Spending more time with God would please Him and in return He would will heal me faster, right?
I'm understanding that that isn't how it works. God laid on my heart at the beginning of this journey to trust Him. Trust Him? That's it? I thought I was already doing that!
Trusting God is more than just pleasing Him. I can sit all day reading my bible and listening to worship music, begging Him to heal me. If my heart isn't fully trusting what He is capable of doing and in His perfect timing, then what is the point? Trusting God is living out who God says that I am. When I had accepted Christ in my heart I was born again and am a new person. My heart is sincere and I am living my life to Trust God.
I am so thankful for my pastor for sharing this message in the timing that it was received. It just confirmed for me, that once again I am on the right track and what I'm hearing from God is truth.

I am praising Him everyday, even when I don't feel like it. I'm thanking Him we found out sooner than later about the cancer. I'm thanking Him for my oncologist whom I didn't like at first but am growing to respect. I am praising the Lord for whatever lessons He is going to teach me throughout this whole experience. As I'm thanking Him each day, my attitude is changing and I know I'm growing stronger in my belief that God will bring me through this time. That somehow He is going to use this unwanted development for good. He has to. He promised in his Word.

Click on the link below to listen to  Pastor Stephen's part 2 of "Your Best Year Yet!"

http://creekwoodchurch.com/media/

the first treatment...

I woke up Christmas morning full of anticipation to watch Olivia open up her presents.  As she stumbled out into the living room, she spotted her cheesy little baby doll in a tiny stroller. Her eyes got big! She ran over to it and smiled and just held on... that turned out to be her favorite toy. (Who knew!)  We prompted her to open up her other presents, she did, with one free hand. I looked to see what she was doing with the other while she sat in Greg's lap. Olivia's arm was to the side and was holding on tight to her new beloved stroller. She had a tight grip on that thing, she didn't want to let go. She was determined to hold on the entire morning, and she did.

I started chemo on January 3rd. The worst part about it was walking in the room and being told to 'pick your chair.' I looked around and only three chairs were empty. Other ladies who were sleeping, staring or giving me a faint smile sat there in a semi circle listening to some old sitcom on the television. It was extremely depressing. It was hard. I could see the sad eyes on the young nurse as I sat down. I smiled at her to let her know I was okay and that she needed to be also.
I didn't feel sick during the process, but that evening I started feeling the side effects. I have a port that was surgically put in that morning. It was placed on the right side of my chest, just below my collar bone. It's convenient in a way that I don't have to have my veins destroyed, but uncomfortable because I can feel it when I take a deep breath or turn on my right side.

Let's be real for a minute. Chemo sucks. It is not fun. The nausea, dizziness, extreme bone pain, laying down and having my scalp hurt and thinking "will my hair fall out today?" I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't thought or worried about these things numerous times. I'm human and I'm a girl. But, and there's always a but...
I'm choosing to remain positive. Choosing as best I can and understand that according to his Word, all things will work together for good because I love him (Romans 8:28). I have to believe "all things" includes cancer. If I don't accept that I would be saying my diagnosis is beyond God's congrol. And I know that it isnt. I'm holding onto that truth, as tight as Olivia was holding her stroller. I'm going to grip the Word of God and believe that what I'm going through is just part of His plan for my life.

Yesterday afternoon I called for short term disability. As I waited on the phone, listening to annoying reggae elevator music, I prayed that the voice on the other end would be sensitive and understanding. After I told the sweet hispanic lady my diagnoses I could hear sniffles. She was choked up. She said her daughter had just been through this. Her tone of voice and her words were so soft spoken and clear that I felt I knew this lady. She informed that the call could take 8 minutes and asked if I was comfortable and in a place that I could speak freely. It's moments like this that I thank the Lord for his hand in every aspect of my life. Sure, this is simple and probably doesn't mean much to you... but to me it's confirmation for my faith to keep trusting Him.

A few prayer requests:
Thursday's. I will be having chemo every two weeks on Thursday's. The following Friday I have to be in Dallas to get a shot that boosts my white blood count so I can fight off infections. Pray that I don't get car sick, nauseated, dizzy, anxious, and that I won't get any of the side effects the doctors say I might get - bone pain and flu like symptoms.
Strength. I want to be able to play with Olivia within one day of having chemo, not four.
Joy. I can't let a lousy situation like this steal my joy.
Husband. Greg needs strength. He is tired and I can see this wearing on him, especially the financial burden of only one income right now.

When I wrote this blog it was on the 6th day from my first treatment... I'm feeling good. It's now the 8th day and I still feel good. 

Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. NLT